As this world doubles down on fascism and our fear increases, holding steady can get harder. On June 14th, a man defaced the front door frame of Pulse with a symbol of hate. This man drew a swastika on our door, pointed at the doorbell, and looked into the eye of the camera with hate in his eyes. He then went into the back of our building and pretended to draw a gun while surveilling the scene. Fast forward to the end of the story, because leaving what happened till the end seems unfair to you, reader. Pulse reported and then pressed charges. At a Grand Jury trial, it was clearly shown what a hateful crime this was, and the purpose of the crime was clear, no matter the identities of those who work for or get care at Pulse. On Monday, August 25th, he was indicted on three counts: bias, criminal trespass, and criminal mischief. This was not his first offense.
The Portland news covered the story, and no matter how much we tried to hold the truth front and center, some facts were warped, and other narratives arose that weren’t factual. All that to say, Pulse learned a lot from this experience, and (sadly) we are ready if it happens again. The Portland news stations asked me how I felt about him, the crime, or how I wanted him to be held accountable. The complexities of those questions are difficult for a news soundbite. How did I feel? Scared, angry, sad, protective of my team and the clients who enter and exit this safe haven. How do I feel about him? Sad and angry. His hate caused fear because he holds this hatred. I am sad for him. Angry that whatever happened to him bubbled up into something that affects Pulse and the other people he has hurt. His journey toward healing is his own path to take, and my role (our role) is to understand that we were caught up in his tornado of trauma. I work toward love and safety all the time for the people around me. Can we all take a moment and imagine what life would be like for him if he had been held in a way that addresses his hate and his needs, whatever they are, in whatever ways he can heal? At times like this, I ask myself who I would rather be, myself or the person who hurt me? I’d rather be the person full of love.
This crime impacted all those who work at PWC. Our cooperative is tied together by the loving kindness of the team and our partners and friends who put us back together again in order to be the clinicians we need to be each day. The first thing I did upon discovering the symbol was to take a photo and then paint over it, care for someone, and call my wife. I had all these Pulse peeps around me, but I needed her. We get to ask for love to come to us, an incredibly hard thing for those of us with trauma backgrounds in the midst of a trauma happening live. She was there in minutes. While all the reports and police happened, she painted it over one more time, and the buzzing of care began. So much care. Support and love poured through the walls of the building, morphing hate into community. The team rallied around those of us in the building, the potential trauma of having police in the building was mitigated, the desire to inflict fear was erased and we got closer and stronger.
Pulse is focused on lifting voices and offering safety. This will not waiver, we will not falter.