The Space Between Us

There is a global pandemic of fascism, fear, hate, and anger that is changing the makeup of humanity in so many ways. I often wonder how historians will view this period and what we will collectively see when we look in the rearview mirror. While the election took some of the sting out of what we have been seeing over these past years; we have so much to do. I celebrate Texas and lament Washington State’s anti-trans bill. I am ecstatic over the variety of folks who been elected to public office and I want ICE to stop terrorizing our people.

I believe much of what we are experiencing worldwide was instigated, or at least accelerated, by the COVID pandemic. Its effects will be felt for generations. Last year, I met an infectious disease epidemiologist who had moved here from Brazil to help our country. When she heard what I did for a living, she told me that my job was only going to get harder. It takes five years, she explained, for people to feel the full impact of a pandemic.

We can remain in freeze for a long time.

Over the past few years, there have been countless stories about men feeling lonely and struggling to make friends. More recently, articles have begun acknowledging that women are experiencing the same thing. Humans need closeness and connection to survive, yet somehow, we seem increasingly unable to find ways to give these things to ourselves and one another. My hope is that this wave of blue will put some heart and soul back into the US and maybe become a new pandemic. One of caring and concern for others rather than isolationism.

We are becoming lonelier, and loneliness breeds fear. That fear is preyed upon by people greedy enough to accumulate as much money and power as possible. Loneliness creates a space between us—a gap where doubt can take hold. Doubt about our purpose, our place in the world, and our connection to one another. That space becomes an opening for those who want to divide us, and the cycle continues.

Over my lifetime, I have watched us erode education, decrease services for those most in need, lie about elections, and see the Supreme Court and the presidency stolen by greed. We have arrived at a moment that echoes the McCarthy era, the internment of Japanese Americans, the displacement and persecution of Native Americans, and the enslavement of Black people. Our history of division, dehumanization, and fear stretches back much further than COVID.

Our loneliness has been growing for a long time, like a bacterium in a lab. COVID created exponential growth in this particular bacterium, and its reach is worldwide.

Here Comes the Kumbaya Part…

When my wife and I met 22 years ago, we had people over all the time. Every weekend, someone—or some group of people—was coming over for dinner, a game of poker, or a fire in the backyard. And when we weren’t hosting, we were at a friend’s house, being hosted ourselves.

Our daughter grew up between the ages of three and ten with a monthly poker game on her calendar. Women of different ages gathered to play and laugh while she watched a little DVD player on a cot. She moved back and forth between her movie and the laps of the many women who loved having her there.

It was a chosen community that created a beautiful connection.

Over time, we had fewer people over. School and work became overwhelming. Some connections faded. And, frankly, some of the people we loved died.

I miss those women.

I hear one person after another come into my office and express a similar sadness. They miss having an intergenerational community. They miss close friendships, familiar places where they feel comfortable, and spaces where they can safely connect with other people. They miss belonging.

People are lonely, and many don’t know how to reach out and grab the healthy, beautiful love and kindness that are available to us. Sometimes we have forgotten how to ask for connection. Many times, we are too exhausted, too afraid of rejection, or we have gotten too accustomed to doing everything on our own. One thing that was proven this election; we are not alone.

But without connection, we will continue to hurt ourselves and one another.

I do not have answers to any of the questions but I do know what a good start might be.

What if we began with inviting people over again? What about one dinner party with one friend or five, whatever floats your boat? Or some game night that intrigues you. What if we made room for people of different ages and backgrounds to sit together, laugh together, and become part of one another’s lives? Oh, and we keep voting!

We don’t have to solve the world’s problems in our living rooms. We don’t have to wait until we have more time, a cleaner house, or the perfect gathering planned. We can start with what we have, where we are, and whoever is willing to show up. Knowing we are wanted! We aren’t alone and that rejection we fear is not actually real. That’s a story we tell ourselves.

Connection won’t undo the damage of history or dismantle the systems that thrive on division. But it can help us remember that we belong to one another. It can give us places to turn when fear takes hold, people who remind us of our common humanity, and communities that make it harder for those who seek power through division to succeed.

We cannot control everything happening in the world. But we can make choices about the spaces we create between ourselves and the people around us.

Let’s fill up the space in between.

Find ways to get off the couch and go to an event.

Let’s make room for one another again and listen to laughter.